As a parent and an eating disorder survivor, I feel both well-informed and overwhelmed by what it takes to support a child through mental health challenges. When I was in treatment, therapy and nutrition appointments were the main priorities, but there were many other facets to lasting recovery, including rediscovering—and reclaiming—my identity.

“One of the most important, and often overlooked, components of lasting eating disorder recovery is helping a child build an identity outside of the illness,” says Equip Therapy Lead Jennifer Simmons. “Eating disorders tend to hijack a child's thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and sense of self. Over time, a child may begin to feel that they actually are the eating disorder, rather than someone experiencing one.”

Simmons is spot on—there were many times in my recovery when I questioned who I was without my disorder. Now that I’m a parent, I want to better understand how to help my child retain their identity in case something as overpowering as an eating disorder takes hold. Here are the steps Simmons suggests taking:

1. Externalize the eating disorder

One core element of family-based treatment (FBT) is externalizing the eating disorder, or separating it from the child. Asking your child, “what do you—not your eating disorder—have to say?” can help reduce their shame and help them see themselves as separate from, but being controlled by, their illness. It can also be helpful to refer to the eating disorder as a “mask.” “You can kind of see out of it, but it's difficult,” Simmons says. “We are working to remove that mask so that they can see more clearly and truly be themselves.”

2. Focus on strengths

“Call out their bravery, kindness, effort, humor, and resilience!” Simmons says. “Let your child know that you see them, not just the disorder.” Resist any urge to only praise improvements in their eating, weight, or body image; doing so can unintentionally reinforce the eating disorder mindset, according to Simmons.

3. Encourage meaningful activities and connections

Eating disorders thrive in isolation, so encouraging a child to reconnect with hobbies and friends can go a long way in fostering their identity. “Help your child re-engage with activities like art, music, volunteering, clubs, or sports—spaces where they experience joy, purpose, and belonging,” Simmons says.

4. Adapt therapeutic techniques

FBT is the gold standard approach to treating eating disorders in young people. The third phase of FBT focuses on establishing a healthy identity by strengthening coping skills, addressing social challenges, and more. “This identity-focused work isn’t limited to FBT,” Simmons says. “Across all treatment models, recovery is strongest when children are supported in rediscovering who they are beyond the illness and parents are able to transition back into their primary role: being parents, not eating disorder managers.”

While eating disorders can be incredibly destabilizing for patients and families, helping a child rebuild their identity can improve the odds of full, lasting recovery. If you have concerns about disordered eating, consider scheduling a free consultation with Equip. “We value education, collaboration, and making sure families find the care that best fits their needs,” Simmons says. “Your family does not have to navigate recovery alone.”