The holiday season can be a time of joy and celebration, but it can also bring with it a significant amount of stress—and that stress seems to be at an all-time high. According to a poll of more than 2,000 people from the American Psychiatric Association, folks are experiencing more anxiety than last year this holiday season. The poll also reveals that a quarter of Americans say the holidays have a negative impact on their mental health, with grief, financial stress, loneliness, and hard family dynamics being the top contributing factors. Yet holiday feasts can be something that people look forward to all year—in fact, the same poll shows that more than half of the participants are looking forward to holiday eating.

However, if you’re in eating disorder recovery or supporting a loved one who is, holiday meals can feel like giant undertakings, adding an additional layer of stress to your plate. Today, let’s see why holiday meals can be difficult in eating disorder recovery, and discover dietitian-endorsed ways to navigate big holiday meals (for both those in recovery and those with loved ones who are).

Why holiday meals are so hard

Holiday meals can feel emotionally unsafe, overwhelming, and disorienting for those recovering from eating disorders. It can also be hard for their loved ones to understand why what might’ve once felt like a joyous occasion is now a complicated experience—and it’s often not about the food, which can make things even more confusing.

Here are several reasons why big holiday meals can be so tough in recovery:

Emotions are often running high.

For someone in eating disorder recovery, distress at holiday meals often isn’t about the food, although it may seem like it. According to the Alliance for Eating Disorders, it can instead be about food getting coupled with deeper issues and difficult emotions, like stressful family dynamics, unresolved conflicts, or traumatic memories. Eating disorders function as (maladapative) coping mechanisms, so when someone is in distress or feeling emotionally unsafe, it can be much harder to choose recovery instead of using eating disorders behavior to numb feelings like shame, guilt, sadness, anger.

Diet culture talk and eating disorder thoughts get louder.

Eating disorder thoughts tend to get louder around holiday mealtimes because the eating disorder is threatened the most when there’s an abundance of tasty food and lack of structure. Then, there’s the amplified holiday diet culture talk. From your old high school friend to your great aunt, it seems like everyone has something to say about food and body this time of year, whether it’s about their own or someone else’s. Especially at the dinner table, people tend to comment on things like how much food there is or how much weight they want to lose, which can be extremely triggering for someone in eating disorder recovery. One of my past clients described her holiday meals with family like she was sitting at the table with her eating disorder outside of her, because her family members were speaking her eating disorder’s language. This, of course, made it much harder for her to nourish herself, let alone enjoy her time.

Routines are usually disrupted.

Routines can be supportive in recovery, because they provide predictable times and structure to rest, eat, and work or go to school. However, the holidays are usually a time when routines are temporarily forgotten, which is natural and normal, but can feel disruptive for someone in eating disorder recovery. “Holiday meals are often at unconventional times—like 3 PM—which can lead to confusion as to what meal this will be ‘counted’ as for some folks in recovery,” says dietitian Ana Pruteanu, MS, RDN, CEDS-C, LDN. “Eating at times we’re not accustomed to can throw off someone’s day of eating and create more anxiety.” Other routine disrupters like early or late travel times and altered sleep can also destabilize eating patterns.

You may feel added pressure.

Having friends and family know about your eating disorder is important and can be supportive, but it can also feel high-pressure, especially at big holiday meals. “For someone in eating disorder recovery, holiday meals are tough because there is an added spotlight on them,” explains dietitian Jessica Villalvir, MS, RDN. “They feel under a microscope with every food and movement decision they make. They know they still have to take care of themselves, but the feeling of being in the spotlight makes it way more difficult.” Per the Alliance for Eating Disorders, the holidays can also cause pressure to perform joy, making it harder to have authentic conversations about your struggles.

There may be more time at the table.

“Holiday meals usually involve prolonged time we spend at the table with loved ones, eating and hanging out over the course of often several hours,” Pruteanu says. “Spending this much time at the table can be stressful for some.” Catching up over a glass of cider or punch and several leisurely courses may sound relaxing to many people, but that’s often not the case for those in eating disorder recovery.

Fear foods are abundant.

While distress at holiday meals is often not about the food itself, sometimes it is. “You may be eating foods that you’re not eating on a daily basis or foods, and which may be ‘fear foods.’ For those struggling with an eating disorder, there’s a tendency to feel like these foods should ‘count’ for more than regular foods,” Pruteanu explains. “Foods served at holiday meals might be some of your favorite foods and also foods that really scare you or foods you haven’t let yourself eat in a very long time. This can make it feel overwhelming to choose whether and how much to eat.”

Dietitian-endorsed strategies for navigating big holiday meals

Although holiday meals can be significant sources of stress if you’re in eating disorder recovery or supporting someone who is, there are steps you can take to make them more manageable, and maybe even enjoyable. Below are dietitian-endorsed tips for before, during, and after holiday meals that can make these events easier for yourself or a loved one.

For those in recovery

Before the meal:

• Regulate your nervous system. Since a big holiday meal will feel threatening for your eating disorder, your anxiety might be higher, and your sympathetic (fight-or-flight) nervous system may be activated. Take some time to let your body and brain know that you’re safe by picking a regulating activity, like spending time with a person who feels safe and calming, listening to soothing music, or petting a beloved pet. If you’re unsure of what feels regulating, work with your therapist or dietitian to come up with a few ideas of regulating practices to try this season.
• Ask for what you need. Establish who your top support person will be (whether it’s someone at the meal or someone you can call) and communicate your needs. “Let them know ahead of time what they can do to support you,” Pruteanu says. “Maybe that’s listening to you vent, sharing a specific reminder about recovery with you, making you laugh by sending you memes, or something totally different.” Consider creating a safe word to say if you need help in the moment and make sure your support person knows what it means and how they can support you when you say it.
• Stay nourished. “On the day of the holiday meal, maintain a regular eating schedule leading up to it, and resist the urge to not eat because of the unknown of the holiday meal,” Pruteanu recommends. She also suggests trying to incorporate some of the foods you expect to eat at holiday meals in the weeks beforehand, so you feel more comfortable eating them. This is best done with the support of an eating disorder dietitian.
• Make a plan for reaching your goals. Alone or with your therapist, clarify your recovery-aligned goals and intentions specifically for this holiday season, and how you plan to meet them the best you can. Perhaps there’s an affirmation you can write down and repeat to yourself as often as you need (e.g. “My body can handle holiday eating”). It may help to role-play responses or even develop a holiday script for comments that may feel triggering at meals so you feel prepared if they happen. Picking a post-meal coping tool ahead of time can also help later on.

During the meal:

• Try mindfulness. If your eating disorder brain starts to send your body into (or back into) a threat response at the table, take a few mindful moments to ground yourself. This may look like taking a few deep breaths and engaging your senses by naming to yourself five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
• Take breaks if you need them. “Remove yourself from the table to ground and take a break from the food or conversation when you need it,” Pruteanu suggests. Decide if you want to take a solo break or if you want someone to join you (by phone or in person), and take a few minutes or so to breathe, pause, share, or reconnect with your recovery intentions.
• Leave diet culture conversations. You can't control what others do, but you can control what you do,” Aberasturi says. “I encourage considering what you can do at these meals.” If a friend or family member starts making food or body comments, you can (depending on your comfort level) change the topic entirely, let them know you want to talk about something else, or enter another conversation that may be happening at another part of the table. Know that you’re worthy of talking about things that ignite your interest and joy at the table this year.

After the meal:

• Regulate your nervous system, again. Your eating disorder is likely to feel threatened after a big holiday meal, too, so pick another regulating activity to do alone or with your support person. This often makes it easier to resist urges to use compensatory behaviors, like future restriction or overexercising. Additional ways to regulate when in a state of fight-or-flight include taking extended exhale breaths (which research suggests activate the rest-and-digest response, which promotes relaxation), spending some time outside or in nature, or using cold water or an ice pack on your face or hands.
• Reflect on your holiday meal experience with compassion. Take some time to debrief with yourself or your support person. Consider what helped, what was especially hard, and what you can adjust for your next potentially challenging event or meal. Give yourself space to identify and express any residual feelings and try not to judge your experience. Instead, extend words of kindness to yourself (like you would to a close friend), regardless of how the meal went. This might be something like: “That was very difficult and I did the best I could to nourish my body and protect my recovery.” Remember, you are not your feelings, and they will pass once they’re processed.
• Keep eating regularly. Just like it’s important to stay nourished leading up to big holiday meals, it’s equally as important to do so afterwards. Do your best to stay on track with your recovery meal plan or eating pattern (which always means eating regular meals and snacks). If it’s possible and you need the support, consider scheduling a session with your therapist or dietitian afterwards to help you stay on track.

For those supporting a loved one

Before the meal:

• Brainstorm table topics or activities. You can help take the heat off the person in eating disorder recovery by thinking about conversation topics and activities they’d likely enjoy. “Come up with some ideas ahead of time for things you can talk about or games to play that don't have to do with food or people's food choices,” Aberasturi recommends. Additionally, let others who will be joining the meal know that diet culture talk is respectfully off limits.
• Check in with your loved one beforehand. “Ask if there are specific ways in which they would like you to support them,” Pruteanu suggests. Try not to assume what they need and try your best to honor what they say they need from you during the meal. Also, give them room to share any thoughts and feelings they need help processing, if any.
• Make gentle reminders. Offer gentle reminders to your loved one to nourish themselves with regular meals and snacks leading up to the holiday meal and make it as easy as possible for them to do so. “Offer to prepare food for them and eat together,” Pruteanu encourages. Additionally, ask them if they’d like to review and remember their recovery goals for the holiday season. If they agree, hold space for them to reconnect with their intentions and values before sitting down to the table.

During the meal:

• Be intentional with your words. “Being a ‘safe’ person who isn't going to comment on food choices, or say anything about the size of anyone's body, would be an amazing gift for your loved one,” Aberasturi says. Even if you’re concerned about your loved one’s food intake, it’s best not to comment on their meal (or anyone else’s). “Engage them in conversation that is not related to food or bodies,” Pruteanu suggests, since talking can be a welcome distraction from eating disorder thoughts or uncomfortable feelings. “Redirect any weight- or body-related conversations others may be engaging in,” Pruteanu adds. While you can’t control what others are talking about at the table, you can help change the topic to something lighthearted (like movies or travel plans) if it veers into potentially triggering territory.
• Practice patience and provide reassurance. Remember that your loved one’s eating disorder thoughts are likely at their loudest around holiday mealtimes. Even if they’re having a hard time following through with their recovery goals, show them compassion by being patient and supportive in the moment. “They are doing their best and they might feel overwhelmed and forget or struggle with changing plans,” Villalvir explains. “Be open to mistakes—everyone is human and no one is perfect.” Some examples of patient and compassionate phrases to support your loved one during mealtimes are “I’m here to keep you safe” and “Let’s take a bite together.” You can also give them silent reassurance by gently smiling or nodding your head.
• Take a break with them or let them take one. If they used their safe word, leave the table with them for a few minutes to talk, take a few mindful breaths together, or make any possible changes to make them feel more supported throughout the rest of the meal. However, if they need a solo break, let them have it.

After the meal:

• Provide a safe place for them to regroup. Villalvir also recommends a post-meal check-in with your loved one. “After the meal, touch base with your loved one to see how they think it went,” she says. Gently help them reflect on their experience by asking them how they’re feeling or simply giving them space to share if necessary, letting them guide the pace of the post-meal check-in.
• Share your perspective. Ask them if they’re open to compassionate feedback, and if so, reinforce what went well at the meal and refrain from analyzing their food choices or intake. For example, you can simply acknowledge their resilience after a relative made a body-focused comment or the fact that they were at the table despite their loud eating disorder thoughts.
• Offer a peaceful post-meal activity. Chances are good that your loved one’s nervous system may be dysregulated after a big holiday meal, especially if it caused significant distress. Plus, research shows that having support and staying engaged after meals can help lessen difficult thoughts and feelings and discourage compensatory behaviors. Try offering to do some sort of downregulating activity together, like taking a short walk or getting some fresh air, watching a lighthearted movie, listening to music, or playing with kids or pets. You can also explore our article on tips to navigate post-meal distress.

Holiday meals can feel intimidating in eating disorder recovery, but they’re not impossible. Whether you’re navigating them yourself or supporting someone you love, try looking at every meal as a chance to practice mindfulness, compassion, patience, and resilience—even when the going gets tough—and that will have a meaningful impact. Recovery during the holidays (or any time) is not about “doing it perfectly,” but instead about meeting yourself (or your loved one) where you (or they) are, and doing the best you can.