When Equip Peer Mentor Jamie Drago began treatment for her eating disorder, she Googled the phrase, “how to want to recover.” At the time, Drago couldn’t find a way to make herself feel enthusiastic about the changes she was making and the goals she was setting in treatment. “‘Ambivalent’ was how I felt about recovery for probably the majority of my journey,” Drago says. “I would feel motivated and ready to dedicate myself to moving forward, and then end the night telling myself, ‘I am going to walk in there tomorrow and tell them I quit! And slam the door on my way out!’ Instead, I would show up the next day and do it all over again. And I think that’s okay.”
Drago is describing an experience that Equip Therapist Lead Jonathan Levine, LCSW, says is not only common but somewhat expected. “There are so many reasons why someone might feel ambivalent about recovery,” he says. “Change—any change—is hard, even if we know it's something ‘good’ for us or something we actively want, so I see ambivalence as just a key part of the human condition.”
Read on to learn more about why ambivalence is so common in eating disorder recovery, and how to overcome it.
Why you might feel ambivalent about recovery
As Levine points out, it’s natural for humans to have mixed feelings about transitions and changes of any kind—and this becomes even more intense when a complex mental health issue is involved. “When you add an eating disorder to the mix, that ambivalence is amplified because, for many diagnoses, the behaviors that keep the eating disorder active are serving a purpose,” Levine says. “If you take away these behaviors, you lose access to a safety net of sorts, and that is a scary thing to undertake because it's new, it's uncertain.”
Indeed, eating disorders can also be egosyntonic—meaning that they feel aligned with a person’s self-image and values—and so those affected by one might not want to recover at all. Of course, this sense of alignment is a symptom of the eating disorder itself, but to the person struggling, it feels very real. As Levine explains, some people with eating disorders might want to get better in theory, but feel compelled to retain at least some aspect of their eating disorder (for example, a low weight) while letting go of others (for example, obsessive thoughts). “Realistically, those two things are intertwined and you can’t really change one without changing both,” he says.
There’s another major reason people might feel ambivalent about recovery, and it’s pretty straightforward: “Plain and simple: recovery is hard,” Drago says. “Challenging long-held beliefs or fears is scary and uncertain. For a lot of people, eating disorders are serving a very real function, whatever that may be, and it would be hard to feel 100% sure about giving it up if you don’t know what the outcome will be.”
There are also environmental factors that can contribute to ambivalence. Trying to contend with a society immersed in diet culture can be incredibly confusing and disorienting for anyone considering recovery. Unfortunately, we exist in a world that conflates thinness with health and deems certain foods “good” and others “bad”—and since so many of the principles of recovery directly oppose these diet culture beliefs, it can make it hard to choose that path, even if you know it’s the right one. Surrounded by all these contradictory messages, even someone who truly wants to recover may experience a fair amount of internal conflict and ambivalence.
This can be particularly true for people whose bodies don’t match society’s (harmful and unrealistic) ideals. “Something I have also heard from a lot of people in large bodies is that living in our society constantly being faced with weight stigma, it is really hard to challenge an eating disorder when people—even healthcare professionals—are actually encouraging things that reinforce eating disorder thoughts and behaviors,” says Drago.
How ambivalence can undermine recovery
“Ambivalence is that sticky middle ground where you think about changing and get stuck in inaction,” Levine says. “But if you don't take action, nothing will change; if you don't try to reach towards a place of recovery, then you will not be able to get there. It's a feedback loop, a nonstarter. You can't keep on doing the same thing and expect a different outcome, and that fear of change will keep the eating disorder active and in control, which will make recovery out of reach.”
Drago says that in her case, ambivalence kept her stuck for a long time because she felt she needed to be completely “ready” or “sure” before embarking on a healing journey. “Ambivalence can be really tricky,” she says. “Ambivalence can sound a lot like, ‘well, I don’t even want to recover anyway,’ ‘I can’t recover if I don’t agree with XYZ parts of it,’ or ‘I will recover but only under these specific conditions.’”
No matter how ambivalence shows up, it can be a hurdle on the path to recovery. In many cases, recovery from an eating disorder is a self-driven exercise: the person with the eating disorder is the one who needs to actually stick to the meal plan, stop compensatory behaviors, and turn to healthy coping skills when urges come up. When the person in the driver’s seat isn’t sure of where they want to go, it makes it much less certain that they’ll reach the right destination.
How to overcome ambivalence and commit to recovery
Ambivalence can be difficult to navigate in any context, but it’s particularly tough to handle on your own—that’s why it’s so essential to seek out expert guidance if you or a loved one is struggling with any form of disordered eating. “Ask for help!” Levine says. “Find a therapist, a dietitian, a team, someone who can support you so that you have people in your corner on the days you feel motivated, and especially the days you do not.”
It’s also important to acknowledge that in many ways, some level of ambivalence is to be expected—but it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker in the recovery process. “Ambivalence is a part of life, of eating disorders, of change; expect to not want to do the hard work of recovery some days, and don't let that dictate your actions,” Levine says. “Discipline and follow-through beats motivation every day, so having people that can help you on the darker days is critical.”
Levine also advises anyone struggling with ambivalence to make a list of pros and cons of recovery, which may help clarify the real motivation driving the desire for change. “And give yourself grace to be imperfect and don't let one bad meal, day, or week lead to a decision to drop recovery actions entirely,” he says. “It's not all or nothing, even when your brain tells you it is. Keep showing up to the work.”
For Drago, a pivotal moment came when her dietitian asked her to identify one thing about recovery that sounded appealing or that might improve her quality of life. “I might not have wanted the things that scared me about recovery, but I knew I wanted to have more energy,” Drago says. “I might not have wanted to challenge my anxieties, but I knew I wanted to be able to go out with my friends. Sometimes the entire mountain of recovery just looks way too big to climb, so maybe you don’t agree to the whole mountain at first. Maybe you make it up the most climbable hill and then go from there.”
While ambivalence may be uncomfortable to navigate, it doesn’t have to stall or stop progress. The path to recovery can start at any time—even when the conditions don’t feel quite right or the journey seems messy and uncertain. “I waited for so long to feel ‘ready’ to recover, and I tried for so long to find a way to keep the parts of my eating disorder that I ‘wanted’ at the time but not have the parts I didn’t want,” Drago says. “If I had kept waiting to feel ready or to feel fully on board, I would still be waiting.”
If you or a loved one is dealing with an eating disorder, don’t wait to feel fully “ready” to get help. You can get started on the road to recovery even if just one little voice inside you knows it’s the right choice. Talk with your doctor or a trusted mental health professional, or schedule a call with an Equip team member to talk through your concerns.
